The summer has flown past me. I can't believe how the quiet and the peace have restored my soul. The quiet and sleep have allowed me to work on hard things. It's something that has generated a lot of anxiety. I've actually NOT been present for a portion of my summer. I've been gone away in a dissociated state. I should miss this time and resent that it's gone. I should be angry that it's gone and I didn't get to know about these moments. Time stolen from me. I've often said that "I would rather someone stole my money than my time." Well, someone HAS stolen my time and continues to steal it. Why am I not furious about this? Why am I willing to accept this as the status quo? Just because this is how it's always been, do I have to accept this loss of Self for large portions of time as "normal"? Part of me wants to do just that. Not rock the boat. Seeking wholeness means rejecting inertia.

As best as I can tell all these weeks now, I have been eating healthy. I've increased my fruits and vegetables that I eat. I'm not eating out. I don't use fatening sauces or spreads. I've limited my fat grams consistently and I don't think I've lost a dang pound. I want to keep eating like this, though. I feel healthier (although that could be from the iron infusion earlier this month). It has been wonderful to NOT be in a rush, to not feel tired, to let my day be guided by my whim.

I'm determined to go into this school year with more peace of mind. I want to feel at peace and not feel so anxious and worried all the time. I don't want to be running down a hallway this year -- though I know I will. It's like that resolve that students make at the beginning of the school year, "I'm REALLY going to study this year!" About three weeks into school, that resolve is lost and old habits return. That is what I'm afraid will happen to me and my resolve to be "serene."

I got criticized this past year for being less dedicated than I was my first year. My boss is right. I'm also going to be less dedicated this coming year. I want to be adequate. I don't want to strive to be anything more than adequate. That's enough for me now. That may be uninspiring, but it's where I'm at in my life. I want more peace. I can't climb any job ladder. I'm where I'm going to be at in 10 more years if I live so long. If I can be adequate for 10 more years, that's fine by me.

Wholeness is what I want. I'm scared though that I'll never get there. I feel a tug from my long time therapist that the end of my relationship with him might be on the horizon. I think he wants to move to different pursuits. I do not have faith that I could have this close and this productive a therapy relationship with anyone else again in my life. This seems like a one-time gift from God.

I have a lot of fears. I live in anxiety all the time. I am afraid, a LOT. I don't quite know how to stop that. That is what I most need to learn to change in my life. How do you come to live without fear every moment of the day and night?

I've been working on weight management lately. It has become more clear to me that hunger represents trauma to me. As I work on weight management, I must necessarily allow myself to be hungry. When I am hungry, I am taken back in time to events I had no control over and which were pretty challenging to believe someone would do. And yet, they were done. It is clearer to me why these changes I'm making are inducing anxiety. While I may have clarity, that doesn't make the anxiety any less an urgent feeling.

My innerds are perturbed by a change in medication and the fact that yesterday I got an infusion of iron. I think I do feel better for the increase in iron. Maybe it's just the "Hawthorne" effect or whatever, but I think I feel some better. More alert and less sleepy today, for whatever reason. The cramps and resulting bathroom breaks are forcing me further into other memories of unpleasant natures.

I'm concerned about getting the house cleaned out. A month now until I have to return to work. I have to get it done before then. It's scary to me to think of how much I have to do there.

I love my new place so much. It seems like so much more than I deserve in some ways. I am so happy here. The rain today made me know how much I would hate going home to that place. Here I don't have to worry about the roof caving in, or the floor giving way from the roof leaking. Here is so comfortable. I'm happy, and will be happier when everything is DONE at the old house.