It's good to go back and see what I said in the past. Life changes. Life stays the same. I haven't yet traded in old anxieties for new ones, but I am feeling better about work -- I think. Relationships stay complex. People I hold close to my heart disappoint me, but I suppose I disappoint others all the time. People I hold dear and want to make time for, are marginalized, and I can't seem to stop that. My energy levels are sapped beyond what I wish. I wish I had more -- lots more energy. I have a grandson that I couldn't imagine the last time I posted. I have the joy of learning about the world again through his eyes. Jeny and I live close. I have lived through an attack of pancreatitus (10/3/06). I have unwillingly flirted with my mortality and lived.

Things are good, and things are not as good, but being alive is wonderful.

The summer has flown past me. I can't believe how the quiet and the peace have restored my soul. The quiet and sleep have allowed me to work on hard things. It's something that has generated a lot of anxiety. I've actually NOT been present for a portion of my summer. I've been gone away in a dissociated state. I should miss this time and resent that it's gone. I should be angry that it's gone and I didn't get to know about these moments. Time stolen from me. I've often said that "I would rather someone stole my money than my time." Well, someone HAS stolen my time and continues to steal it. Why am I not furious about this? Why am I willing to accept this as the status quo? Just because this is how it's always been, do I have to accept this loss of Self for large portions of time as "normal"? Part of me wants to do just that. Not rock the boat. Seeking wholeness means rejecting inertia.

As best as I can tell all these weeks now, I have been eating healthy. I've increased my fruits and vegetables that I eat. I'm not eating out. I don't use fatening sauces or spreads. I've limited my fat grams consistently and I don't think I've lost a dang pound. I want to keep eating like this, though. I feel healthier (although that could be from the iron infusion earlier this month). It has been wonderful to NOT be in a rush, to not feel tired, to let my day be guided by my whim.

I'm determined to go into this school year with more peace of mind. I want to feel at peace and not feel so anxious and worried all the time. I don't want to be running down a hallway this year -- though I know I will. It's like that resolve that students make at the beginning of the school year, "I'm REALLY going to study this year!" About three weeks into school, that resolve is lost and old habits return. That is what I'm afraid will happen to me and my resolve to be "serene."

I got criticized this past year for being less dedicated than I was my first year. My boss is right. I'm also going to be less dedicated this coming year. I want to be adequate. I don't want to strive to be anything more than adequate. That's enough for me now. That may be uninspiring, but it's where I'm at in my life. I want more peace. I can't climb any job ladder. I'm where I'm going to be at in 10 more years if I live so long. If I can be adequate for 10 more years, that's fine by me.

Wholeness is what I want. I'm scared though that I'll never get there. I feel a tug from my long time therapist that the end of my relationship with him might be on the horizon. I think he wants to move to different pursuits. I do not have faith that I could have this close and this productive a therapy relationship with anyone else again in my life. This seems like a one-time gift from God.

I have a lot of fears. I live in anxiety all the time. I am afraid, a LOT. I don't quite know how to stop that. That is what I most need to learn to change in my life. How do you come to live without fear every moment of the day and night?

I've been working on weight management lately. It has become more clear to me that hunger represents trauma to me. As I work on weight management, I must necessarily allow myself to be hungry. When I am hungry, I am taken back in time to events I had no control over and which were pretty challenging to believe someone would do. And yet, they were done. It is clearer to me why these changes I'm making are inducing anxiety. While I may have clarity, that doesn't make the anxiety any less an urgent feeling.

My innerds are perturbed by a change in medication and the fact that yesterday I got an infusion of iron. I think I do feel better for the increase in iron. Maybe it's just the "Hawthorne" effect or whatever, but I think I feel some better. More alert and less sleepy today, for whatever reason. The cramps and resulting bathroom breaks are forcing me further into other memories of unpleasant natures.

I'm concerned about getting the house cleaned out. A month now until I have to return to work. I have to get it done before then. It's scary to me to think of how much I have to do there.

I love my new place so much. It seems like so much more than I deserve in some ways. I am so happy here. The rain today made me know how much I would hate going home to that place. Here I don't have to worry about the roof caving in, or the floor giving way from the roof leaking. Here is so comfortable. I'm happy, and will be happier when everything is DONE at the old house.

I am floating around on a sea of anxiety and bliss that is part fear from an ancient past, and part joy from not having to rush to do anything, now that school is over. I have a history of not doing well with unstructured time. I tend to get into self blame and anxiety over not doing something "productive." That's an old tape from my mom that is branded into my soul, and which I am at age 51 coming to understand a little better. The demons that drove her to live life at a devilish pace, also allowed her to be "ill." She had serious medical problems but she made space for her hypochondriasis which allowed her to be a semi-invalid and therefore get rest. Whereas, her "tape" in my head has pushed and pushed and pushed me onward, onward, onward for years; attempting always to do more and do it faster. There has been little rest. Some time was taken for reflection in the last decade, but this summer is the summer when I learn how to NOT listen to her demons in my head urging me to go faster, do more, stop being lazy.

I've been feeling so, VERY tired lately. Is it the wearyness of 50+years of racing around? Am I slumping into my own hypochondriacal space -- it's easier and more socially acceptable to be "ill" and rest? Am I just tired and this is what "normal" people feel? I have no way of knowing. There is the possibility that I have a real problem with anemia that is causing this nagging fatigue. I just don't know. The reality is that I'm tired and I'm allowing myself to rest, despite my anxiety about it.

I have projects that sort of come to my mind, like an itch irritates your skin. I have to pay attention, but it's uncomfortable and probably not productive. There's that word again. What happens to the non-productive people of the world? The simple idea of being non-productive sounds life threatening. I feel like, if I was judged "non-productive" that I'd have to expire on the spot. There is an immediacy about it too. I feel anxious RIGHT now in this moment. That if I slow down and rest, and am not productive, I shall die -- imminently. It's a mortal threat to rest. The truth of the matter is, it may more likely be a mortal threat to push yourself into oblivion exhausted but feeling productive. Is it morally wrong to be, but not be productive? Is there a moral or value-related issue around the idea of productivity versus rest?

The censor of my mind, is my mother. I want to put her away and let her be the queen of her nursing home room, not the dictator of my conscience. How do you purge oneself of these anxieties? Being aware, doesn't mean there is a way to mitigate the feelings. I have drugs -- there is a strong temptation to just take a pill and let all the anxiety flow away. I haven't given in but the idea is there. Anxiety is a terrible burden. Anxiety is exhausting. Anxiety is like having fleas under your skin and wanting to get them OUT but only being able to helplessly acknowledge their presence. Invisible but there. Invisible but REAL. Invisible but while internal it's BIG. It is a presence that is overarching to everything else happening in your life in the present. Moving forward and moving past or languishing in this pool of feelings---what can I do or have control over? I don't know, and have never really known. Part of me wants to just TAKE control, but I would be a fool to think it is that simple. The past grips me in ways that are too hard to shake off so easily. Would that it could be a simple as unlocking handcuffs.

Saving what was into what is now.

Sunday, April 27, 2003
Good grief it's been two weeks since I last had time to draw breath and write here! One more month of school. One more month to clean up some stuff I need to have been doing all year. One month to get all those special meetings done. It will be a FAST month because I will be working, working, working! Betty seems to be in decent health (as much as someone who's dying can be), Kari had her prom this weekend, Jeny is inducted into a nursing honor society this weekend, and I'm hostessing a small party for the people who helped me move a month ago. I love having a household that is orderly and pretty. I love coming home to a place that is peaceful and which promotes calmness. It is the greatest blessing in my life in a long time.

My poor kitty was not making a good adjustment to being an indoor-only kitty. In a moment of insanity I took the prescription that my daughter gave me for his situation. I got my pet a pet. I went to the vet and asked if they knew of any adult female cats that needed placement. I went a visited the fellow and the kitty that Saturday. The following day they came over for a "date" and to see if the "arranged marriage" seemed to be one of compatibility. It took them several days to work out who had what role in the scheme of things, and being the superior one, the female is now in full ownership of the household. She is about a pound and a half smaller than Romeo and her name is Raven. We have this monochromatic thing going here, with a grey cat and a black cat. But they're settling in and the best part is that *I* get to sleep all night long because they play with one another, instead of Romeo coming to me and begging for attention during my REM cycle! It's a fabulous concept. She was formerly an indoor/outdoor kitty and with a buddy to keep her company she seems to be doing modestly well. I wish she'd get a bit better into the swing of things with a scratching post, but you can't have everything. In the mean time I just cover the furniture.


It's hysterical to watch to the two of them at night racing through the house doing nocturnal kitty play. As entertaining as one cat was, two is much more funny. I have Betty on the weekends now and it's such a relief and so much less pressure. I feel like I have a life, and that it's a pretty damn good one. I'm looking forward to "nesting" this summer. Two whole months to be decadant. I can't wait!
posted by Ann 3:38 PM


Saturday, April 12, 2003
I'm going to church tomorrow, because of my meeting with the priest there this week. There are few people that I instantly like. I pretty immediately liked her. The parish cat roams the office freely. Millie sniffed me, but prefers the lap of her priest. I supposed someone could make a comment about a priestess and her "familiar," but I like the homeyness and informality. We talked for about an hour and a half. I told her WHY I was so concerned about getting the condo blessed and explained that I knew this was an irrational fear, but it was very real to me none-the-less. She was very understanding. She asked if we could wait until after Easter week and her daughter's graduation and do it in early June. Which is fine by me. However, she was understanding enough to say, that if she needed to get her butt over in a hurry she'd do it. She has her own wounds and is very understanding. I told her that while Betty is so medically fragile I didn't want to get REAL involved in church, but that I would eventually if people were nice to me. I did ask her if the guy who was my boss when I was at West Georgia that nearly gave me a nervous breakdown -- the job I had to quit -- if he went to church there. The good news is that he doesn't. That would make for a less than worshipful experience!

Today I went to the Dogwood Festival and an artist there did the most extraordinary batik pieces. I bought four lithographic reproductions of the originals. One is called "Blessing of the House." It is a Rabbi with his prayer shawl on holding up his hands to bless a house. Above him are the Hebrew words, "Spread your protection over our roof." The prayer shawl is made of the Hebrew symbols for "Know who you stand before." I really like the piece. I feel like I bring antiquity into my house in an elegant way, and that the hands of the Rabbi raised in a blessing pose, will help protect my home. The other three are also special. One is a colorful and stylized rendition of "Jonah in the belly of the whale," and a non-hokey, non-childish rendering of Noah's Ark. The last work is titled, "Woman of Valor." Around her are many symbols of home and hearth, a blue bird of happiness. The edges of the work have the Hebrew symbols which read, "Lucky is he who finds a woman of valor. You can trust her. She provides. She speaks wisdom, and she is compassionate." Out of the artist's Israeli roots, come some wonderfully meaningful and special pictures that I had to own (well at least the reproductions of them). These works speak to my heart right now. I feel privileged to own them. I am happy that I am at a place in my life where I could buy all four. I feel blessed, even as I feel anxious about what goes on around me right now.
posted by Ann 8:53 PM


Thursday, April 10, 2003
I called St. Margaret's today and talked to The Rev. Hazel Glover. I asked her to come blass my condo. She asked me to come visit her. It felt very formal. I'm going to go see her tomorrow. I told a fried today that right now I'd use "spells," "chants," or "voodoo" to ensure my place was "fortified" against intrusion by anything supernatural. Geeez, but writing that makes me feel REALLY nuts. Ultimately though, after a lot of reflection, I really think that there is some energy that endures after we pass from this life. I do think that energy has the capacity to "visit" others. I don't want to be visited. So, I'm doing everything I can to make my space safe. Don't know if it will work, but I'm trying.

This week is my spring break. When I go back to school it will be a whirlwind of frantic activity as I do IEP's the rest of the year. I have been a lazy bum this week, but my back muscles are spasming out something awful. I'm enjoying nesting in a bit and have been decorating the place. The cat and I are having a competition to see if I can disturb his day sleeping as much as he disturbs my night sleeping. So far I'm losing.


I feel like I'm being "tested" with this visit to the priest before she'll come bless my place. I know part of it is that she wants to suck me into the church and get me to be a parishioner. I probably will be (as long as D.W and L.W. don't worship there. D. W. was the person responsible for making me leave a job about 4 years ago and it was quite awful. I would not find it to be a worshipful experience to go there if I was always afraid that he'd walk in. I'm such a wuss. I always run away from difficulty. With any luck the guy is a Baptist.
posted by Ann 12:31 AM


Saturday, April 05, 2003
I talked with some friends the other day about this irrational fear I have. Funny how you can KNOW something is irrational, yet you are compelled to acknowledge that despite it being irrational, one believes it. If you think about it, God is rather irrational. There is only faith and no objective evidence of his/her existence.

What this DOES make me wonder about is WHAT does God influence, or control, of the things that occur on earth? If, "Everything works together for good to them that love God," then how do we account for the God-loving Muslims, and the God loving Christians and the God-loving Jews all being in conflict, unto death, with one another? How is that working together for good?


Someone suggested to me that I wouldn't be as.....empathic or sympathetic of a person if I had not been victimized. What kind of God permits people to attain insight through pain, so they can help others who s/he permitted to live through pain? THAT is irrational!


I acknowledge that crap happens to everyone and that I'm not exempt. Maybe crap doesn't have a moral label like "good" or "bad." Maybe crap is just crap. You've had your share of crap. Where is God in the crap? How do you live with the irrationality of the pain that has come into your life? Where is God in the middle of the grief that has come your way, and do you ever feel that God brought it to your door?


God and faith are so.....inscrutible. If God is not logical, then the world isn't logical or rational. How does one unravel all this? How do you make sense of pain and suffering in the world? To me it really seems to scream there is no God, rather than there is one. Yet, I believe. How irrational is that?




posted by Ann 9:30 PM


Wednesday, April 02, 2003
A dear friend with a long life and sensible thinking seems to believe I am a strong person. She is adamant about it. I have told her that I don't feel strong, but she comes right back at me that I am, and that is that, as far as she is concerned. If I didn't admire her so much and know what a sensible and strong person she is, I couldn't hear this. She has lived through her fair share of grief, sorrow and tribulation, but she thinks I'm strong. How can a person ever get a realistic picture or internal image of him/herself? Will I always be a sniviling victim in my mind? Will I always be afraid? Will there never be a time when I can just live and feel "normal"? Does there ever get to be a time in the recovery process where anxiety isn't a constant companion? I would like to think so, but I see no evidence of it just yet. I live in hope though.
posted by Ann 9:00 PM

Tuesday, April 01, 2003
I'm obsessed lately with thoughts of my mother's impending death. Demons might not just be dark forces that appear in children's books. Demons might jump off the pages of the Bible and into your life in the present. What if there were demons for real? What if they lived and breathed and walked among us day-to-day? How can you recognize a demon when you see or encounter one? Are they simply people who are BAD? Perhaps evil is a theolgical issue that doesn't move into the world of morality. Evil doesn't exist as a scientific concept. It lives only in spiritual, metaphysical and theological concepts. All of which resist quantification and qualification. There are no ways to test for evil with an MRI or a blood test. It's a gut feeling. You know it when you encounter it. Somehow it's different than just being BAD. Bad people are folks who lie, cheat or steal over and over. Not just now and again -- we all lie, cheat or steal in small ways, occasionally. But those who do it chronically and without remorse, those become the bad people. What distinguishes bad people from evil people? Evil people cross a line. Evil people not only don't have remorse, conscience or regret, they move forward with gusto doing those immoral acts that the rest of the world finds reprehensible. Evil people press forward and cross every line but are somehow wary enough to avoid ticking off people in authority. That's when they get in trouble, when they tick off the authorities. The rest of the time, they just make "normal" people suffer. Sometimes it's by intention or not, but they still effect those they come in contact with. Bad people bring chaos into their own lives. Evil people bring chaos into the lives of everyone around them. As I see it anyway. As I see it today.

Sok, if someone evil has brought chaos into your life, how do you banish it? How do you wash your soul clean of the chaos they have inflicted on you? Do you simply go, "Not me anymore. Keep your bad karma and your bad vibes and get out of my head and my life." And it's gone.


No, it just doesn't happen that way. Evil is insidious and it contaminates it's victims. It gets inside their heads and haunts them for life. At least it does for this victim. The demon moves from being an evil living entity to invading a host through unconscious revictimization. It's something that's inculcated into the victim and lives on no matter if the offender is alive anymore or not. They become a demon in death. In death the offender frightens the victim with the residue of evil that can't seem to be shaken off. I can't speak for others, but that is how it is for me. How do you protect yourself from the demons of evil that invade your consciousness and unconsciousness? How do you recognize evil and banish it from inside your Self? I need to know. I need to know. Am I nuts? Are these ideas crazy? Are they any different than what Eli Weisenthal struggles with? Or is that an eogtistical and narcisistic comparison? Where is "right" in the middle of the ideas of bad, and evil? What is the way out? I'd really, really like to know.
posted by Ann 11:40 PM


Saturday, March 29, 2003
Everyday life can be such a treasure at times. Just doing laundry and making the bed can feel so lovely. After being under so much stress (some of which is not gone) a day to clean up and put the place around me in order feels good. I have a spasm in my back that is hurting awfully and I'm using that as an excuse to just stay here and do what I want to do, not what I need to do. It feels good -- well the back spasm doesn't. The cat was annoying me this morning early, and just wanted someone to play with. I got up, opened up the window shades just a tad so he could see the front street and put a chair by the window. He is now a confirmed neightborhood watch cat. He watches everything. I think I just gave my cat a hobby. Hehehehehehe.

I have taken a risk this week by inviting a woman from work to come to group. She is multiple and has not been making good sense lately. She is clearly in need of support and realizes it. Yet, I feel she is funny and able to pull herself out of the slump that they are experiencing. She is multiple too and though I don't know much about her, I have intrusted a lot of confidential information about myself to her. I hope that Anna can still use the group as she has been and that it will work out. I rather like having another person to share the driving with. It's such a long drive now. I hope this isn't a strategic error.


I signed my contract for next year. I feel better knowing that I have the certainty of a job. In these uncertain times, that's a very good thing. IT's a great relief. My boss had taken the time to threaten me with non-renewal of contract a few months ago, so having a contract makes me feel a WHOLE lot better. I will get a step raise this year and that will help me out as I adjust to making payments for the condo.


So many are suffering from this war. I pray for peace.
posted by Ann 5:32 PM